||[Jan. 1st, 2005|07:15 pm]
Scandalf thwarters anonymous
I hope this story involving Scandalf amuses you. If not, please request me not to write a sequel.|
The Story of Naidel and Koonelli’s Plot Bunnies
(And what they did to Scandalf)
(A dream of Koonelli)
It was early on a bright summer’s morning and Naidel and Koonelli had decided to take a stroll in the grounds of their extensive house in the country. Although both of them were severely adverse to any sort of rigorous physical activity, (unlike their good but severely unbalanced friend, Spazo) they decided that a comfortable stroll would do them nicely.
After a pleasant walk, talking of the fantastic party they had hosted the night before, Naidel and Koonelli took a rest near the back of the house where the elegant white French doors led out down a series of steps onto the pristine lawn, dotted with bushes, cut into the shapes of famous sculptures and bonsai trees beneath them.
Naidel stood brooding, one hand on the neckline of her jacket, thumb brushing against the red carnation in her pocket. She was immaculately dressed in a black, pinstriped suit and frilly white shirt and her black boots pointed and wrinkled at the ankles. On her head was a pinstriped top hat with a red ribbon and through the rim poked a pair of white rabbit’s ears.
Naidel was thinking about her world of which she was supreme ruler. She was thinking about what she could do to make it a more hospitable and generally fabulous place. More specifically, she was wondering how the public at large would receive candyfloss machines on every corner.
Koonelli was worn out after their pleasant stroll. Consequently she was reclined in a stripy deckchair next to her wife, twirling a lacy parasol idly and marvelling at how buff Naidel was looking in her handsome suit and top hat. Koonelli herself was dressed in a matching dress, the pinstripes running from the top of her corset to the white lacy hem of her dress. On her head was also a pinstriped hat, decorated with ornate flowers made of white tissue paper and a long string of pearls ran its way down from the top of her neck to the ends of her shoulders.
Sighing happily, Koonelli gazed at the large pen that was on the lawn. In this pen were about twenty or so small white bunnies, hopping around gently in their adorable bunny manner. Smiling, Naidel cleared her head of such responsible thoughts of the fate of the world and shifted her shinyshiny black cane so she could turn to look at the spinning parasol. The cane had a skull adorning the top and was very sharp so that it stabbed the lawn, leaving pock holes in the grass.
Just then, completely unexpectedly, Scandalf entered. He crashed through the French doors, splintering wood and glass and rolled down the steps onto the lawn (completely undignified-ly for reader purposes). Groaning in his middle-to-old age-ness, Scandalf picked himself up and upon seeing Naidel and Koonelli’s shocked gazes, he struck and villainous, finger contorted pose. He was wearing an RSPCA uniform.
Angered, Naidel grasped Koonelli’s shoulders while the latter put a hand to her heart. Appropriately scandalised, Naidel and Koonelli cried in tragic unison:
“Gasp! Scandalf is ‘ere!”
“NYARHARHARHARHAR!” Scandalf cackled. “I have come to take away your plot bunnies!”
Now Naidel and Koonelli understood how he could have gotten through their top-notch, A-class, world leader-strength security. Those state of the art CCTV cameras and force-of-fifty bodyguards (trained in Siberia) were suckers for villains in disguise.
“Damn and blast those villains in disguise!” Naidel cursed, her finger tightening on her shinyshiny cane.
“Oh, Naidel!” cried Koonelli, “Our poor, sweet, innocent plot bunnies! In the hands of that detestable villain in disguise with no dress sense! Oh, the horror!”
“Fear not, sweet wife of mine with marvellous dress sense!” Naidel declared bravely, for even in the face of a villain in disguise, she was still dashing enough to communicate sweet nothings to her beloved.
Then, releasing Koonelli and squaring her pointed boots firmly, Naidel took the top of her cane and pulled out a lethal-looking fencing foil, making an impressing ‘shing!’ noise, much like a pirate’s sabre.
At this development, Scandalf looked a little worried and hastily reached into his boot, pulling out his own porta-foil™ (It shrinks to a fifth of the size, but we can’t guarantee it won’t snap in a life or death situation!)
Then, while Koonelli looked on in dismay, the two leapt into a vicious battle and although Scandalf fought with the desperation of a man with a monobrow, he was clearly not as talented in the art of the sword as the supreme ruler of the known universe, and the impressive ‘shing!’ noise, was obviously weighing on the villain’s mind.
After a time of lethal combat, Naidel twirled her foil, curling the porta-foil™ out of Scandalf’s hands and leaving him weapon less and backed up against the bunny pen.
“See here, you repulsive villain in disguise!” Naidel laughed, “That will teach you to crash through my French doors, make me get out my sword and attempt to deprive my wife, empress of the known universe of inspiration in her beloved plot bunnies!”
Koonelli wiped her eyes with a lacy handkerchief and applauded. Naidel blew her a kiss and wondered whether to run Scandalf through, although later she decided against it because it was no sight fit for a lady.
Then, as if in revenge for what the despicable Scandalf had threatened to do, a single bunny from the pen leapt up and affixed its razor sharp, lethal teeth into Scandalf’s arm. Immediately, the villain in disguise began to emit crazed screams of pain and perhaps despair for the disguise he had worked so hard on.
After a time of running erratically back and forth, waving his afflicted arm around, Scandalf collapsed on the lawn, out cold from the pain and the loss of blood. The tiny plot bunny hopped down from the villain’s body and began to scratch behind its ear with its back leg, nose twitching.
Naidel and Koonelli rejoiced as blood soaked into the grass. It was good riddance to bad rubbish as Koonelli bent down to pick up the heroic plot bunny; its little mouth still soaked in red and cuddled it under her chin. The gardener was sent for to dispose of Scandalf back into the nearest mental hospital and Naidel proposed the notion of having another party just as Johnny Depp came to hose down the lawn.